i am having horrible dreams. i wake up every hour from them. then cant get back to sleep for forever. when they get to bad i scream to myself in the dream “wake up,wake up.” it usually works. soo with all of that today i am basically too tired to function. i usually work 8-12 then log off for a nap and lunch then log back on at 4. today i am logging off at 11. i dont care about the extra hour.

my hyperemesis seems to be trying to work its way out of my system. it is thurday. on saturday i didnt throw up at all and i was able to eat pretty much anything. then the rest of the week has been a little died down from normal but still nauseous and vomiting. welp yesterday i had a big mac and it was unsettling somewhat but it stayed down. this morning however, completely nauseous and vomiting i know i need to put something in my stomach but when it is turning like this the thought of food makes it worse.

literally all i want to do is curl up in my blankets and sleep. these next 2.5 hours can not go fast enough.

My hormones are in overload and 99% of my emotions are not really MY emotions. Noone especially the father understands this, but I have no control.

Lets start with the anxiety…it is far worse than I have ever experienced. I feel like the pregnancy is moving super slow and that I will be pregnant forever. I know this is not true, but it doesnt ease the anxiety. I cried when my phone app updated me that i was at 12 weeks. why? because I have 28 weeks left!! this seems like a lifetime. especially when you put it into days…194!!!! I feel like I would be more calm if I actually had the baby bump or the fetal movements or knew the sex..but again i have to wait another 4 weeks to maybe feel it move and start showing and ANOTHER 8 weeks to find out what it is. it all just seems like forever.  i have alot of people around me about to give birth literally a few weeks away and others who know what they are having and have a cute little pregnant body to show off and i feel like i just have the knowledge i am pregnant. im ready to get a move on with things. i have never in my life felt this impatient.

then there is the symoptoms…its about the only thing i have to make me aware i am carrying a child. i have suffered from hyperemesis since week 5 and its been miserable. i cant get a day without vomiting and i feel nauseous 24/7. then then there is the infamous fatique. i have abosolutely zero energy and it make me sorta depressed because i feel like such a lazy bum. all i want to do is sleep and lay down. i feel like a bad mother to my 4 yr old because when he comes home from school he gets some kind of fast food for dinner and watches TV all evening until he falls asleep. then there is the headaches. well migranes. if not everyday every other day and since i cant take anything but tylenol and tylenol doesnt work for me i have to just get thru it. then there are the leg cramps, which just started, its either a full blown charlie horse or a constant mild charlie horse. then there is the rash on my back. dr doesnt know what its from it just looks gross and itches like crazy and since i cant reach all the parts of my back i improvise with a fork:] then there is the awful acne. it is worse than when i was a teenager. it covers my face and neck and it doesnt matter how many times i day i wash my face it doesnt go away.

i cant shower regulary because i have a picc line that i need help wrapping up in plastic. and i cant take a bath because it could raise my tempature too high and that isnt recommended for the picc line. most of the things i crave my stomach cant handle so its either suffer without them or go for it and vomit it all up. my place of employment is thankfully letting me work from home but all i do i sit in the house with my son being my only human interaction besides my gma a few days a week and the father when we are getting along. and if you read the previous post you know my friends are pretty much nonexistent. so i feel alone ALL the time. i feel like a nag complaining about it all but i dont know where to turn or what to do. sometimes i feel like i literally going to come out of my skin with all the emotions. i just want to scream but that wouldnt even help.

but on a more positive note the baby is healthy and right on track. well a little ahead of the track growth wise:] keagan is excited to be a big brother and i guess thats alll i can ask for.

I need to vent all of these pregnancy emotions. good & bad. happy & sad. my friend & family list have dwindled and i have no other option so this pregnancy’s happy times and times of complaint will be blog’d.